The Garden of Gethsemane by Ann Y. D&C 19:16-18

I've been pondering lately on the difference between physical and mental pain. Having struggled with both migraines and depression for most of my life, I can honestly say that I have had both physical and mental pain. This is going to sound strange to many, but I'm glad that I have had both. I've learned, I'm afraid, more from pain than I ever would from pleasure, and the wisdom I have gained from this has been invaluable.

The events that made me really consider the difference between mental and physical pain occurred a few months ago. I go through phases when I am completely fine in terms of mental health, and then I go through phases when I am not so fine. A few months ago was one of the not so fine times. For no reason that I can think of, I went through a severe bout of depression, and once again, my pain gave me insight.

Those of you not familiar with depression will think, "Oh, she was sad; we all get sad from time to time." But those of you who have gone through real depression know that depression and sadness are distant cousins, at best. Sadness is the opposite of happiness, and it is, by its very nature, temporary. Depression, true depression, is anguish of the soul. It is real pain. It is hopelessness, despair, and overwhelming guilt. It is anguish such that some who suffer and cannot find relief sometimes take their own lives rather than live in their own skins for another minute. I don't write these things to cause pain in others. I simply want those who have not experienced this to understand what I am about to say next.

Depression can have a variety of causes. Life events, such as illness or the death of a loved one can cause depression. Depression can also be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. The former usually only requires time to cure it. The latter needs medical intervention and unfortunately is what I struggle with (along with so many others). But something else can cause depression, and that's what I want to talk to you about. The other cause of depression is separation from our Father in Heaven. What causes this separation? Sin causes it.

The more I think about the differences between mental and physical anguish, the more my thoughts turn to my savior and his atonement. The atonement of Christ (or the suffering) happened in two stages. The first part occurred in the Garden of Gethsemane. The second part happened during the trial and crucifixion of our Lord.

Most Christians, when asked to talk about the suffering of our Lord, naturally mention the cross on which he hung. In fact, most Christian religions use the cross as a symbol of the price Christ paid for our sins. But the scriptures make mention of the mental anguish in Gethsemane as being far worse than the physical pain born on the cross. In D&C 19:18, Christ himself said, "Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit."

Where did Jesus bleed from every pore? Where did he suffer both body and spirit? The only place in the scriptures where it mentions Christ bleeding from every pore is in the Garden of Gethsemane. When the savior speaks about his harrowing experiences, he does not even mention the cross. Where does he suffer both body and spirit--the Garden of Gethsemane.

What happened in the Garden of Gethsemane? We cannot know all that Christ endured, but in Mark chapter 14, verse 34, Jesus is quoted as saying that, "My soul is sorrowful unto death." It says in Luke chapter 22, that he prayed, and while he prayed, "...there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him." It further says that he prayed more earnestly, and it was at that point that he began to sweat blood. What was he praying for? We cannot know all of the words that he spoke to his Father that day, but the atonement, we are told, is the suffering of Christ for our sins. The punishment for sin must naturally occur in two parts: the physical part is the payment to society for crimes, and in Christ's time involved some form of capital punishment; the other part, however, has always been the most important part of repentance--it is the sorrow of regret.

We are told that Christ suffered for ALL of our sins. That means he suffered the remorse of billions of souls that have rebelled against God. Can you imagine the mental anguish of BILLIONS of souls?!? We might well imagine that might make one bleed from every pore. This is the suffering that Christ himself spoke of when he referred to his own pain. In this Garden, Christ bled from every pore, and in this Garden, he required the ministering of angels to sustain him. At no time during the trial or crucifixion, did he again bleed from every pore, and at no time during his crucifixion, do the scriptures mention the ministration of angels. This is why I believe Christ's suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane was much worse than anything he suffered on the cross.

There is no suffering to be compared with the suffering of a soul in anguish. This is despair. This is hopelessness. This is depression.

I want to be clear here: I am not saying that the atonement of Christ was about mental illness. He was offering an infinite sacrifice for the sins of the world. I am also not saying that because I have been depressed, that I have suffered on a par with God. Nor am I saying that people who are depressed are sinful. I am only attempting (poorly, I'm afraid) to compare physical and mental pain. I am also trying to make a point about the souls in hell. Christ said in D&C chapter 19, verses 16-18, "For behold I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent; but if they would not repent, they must suffer even as I, which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit."

Our Lord himself warns that if we do not repent, we must suffer these things, and he warns us that his own temporary suffering for the sins of men was unbearable even to someone as strong as God.

God does not warn us away from physical pain. Several times in the scriptures, he says not to mind the trials of this life, if we suffer them for God. But he does warn us of the anguish of spirit that awaits us in hell. Why? Because the mental anguish caused by sin hurts so much more than any physical pain we can endure, and if this sin is not resolved in this life, the mental anguish becomes eternal.

This brings me back to depression, and why I am grateful to have suffered from it. Depression, I believe, has been a warning to me from God himself. I know that any chemical depression suffered in this life, no matter now painful, is always temporary. But having felt that way, and knowing that the feelings I have felt would be magnified a hundredfold if I am not permitted entrance into my Father's presense? That is truly terrifying. It makes me want to do whatever I can, suffer whatever I have to suffer in this life, to avoid the pains of hell in the next life.

Remember, the definition of happiness is being in the presense of our Heavenly Father. Separation from Him is pain.

The Great Illusionist by Ann Y.

I was reading Linda's post about serpents, and it got me to thinking...

I thought about Heavenly Father's plan of salvation. What a beautiful plan it is, and how simple really. If you remove all of the trappings of this world, and all of the stumbling blocks that cause us distractions, the plan becomes easy to follow. Just follow the commandments. In fact, there aren't even that many commandments to follow. I've worked for companies that had more rules than Heavenly Father has. And the reward for following the Plan the way it is written? The rewards are many: the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, a reputation for integrity, physical protection in this life, not to mention exhaltation in the next. Why would anyone not stick to the plan, then? More on this in a minute.

My next thought naturally turns to Satan and his plan. Of course, Satan's plan is to convince the souls of men to follow him into his world. Well if Satan is trying to buy the souls of men (and he is), what is he offering in return? Let's see...he wants us to break our Father's laws, and the rewards for that are also many: degredation, disrespect, often physical danger, misery in this life and much more misery in the next. So how on Earth does Satan sell a deal like that, and what kind of moron would buy it?

So Satan gets to thinking. He's got lots of time on his hands, you know (since he doesn't really have a job). Somewhere along the line, he realizes that he will never be able to sell a deal like this at face value. The only way to sell a deal like this is to make it appear to be something it's not. And so emerges the first and greatest illusionist of all time.

If anyone has ever watched a great illusionist, one knows that with the use of mirrors, the right lighting, and lots of distractions, it is possible to make even an elephant disappear right before your eyes. So it is with Satan. Instead of lighting and mirrors, he uses half truths and physical beauty. Instead of slight of hand and low lighting, he uses fun activities, the allure of wealth, peer pressure, and the accolades of men. With these and other methods of trickery, he manages to make black appear white, and white appear black. He manages to make the elephant in the room completely disappear.

I'm sure that when one looks at this world from the distance of Heaven, it is difficult to see how so many of our Father's children are led astray. But anyone who has a few years under his belt knows that Satan's magic show is so impressive, so convincing, that everyone falls for it to some degree. In fact, the only person who has ever escaped this life without falling for at least one of Satan's tricks is our beloved elder brother, Jesus Christ.

The point is not berate ourselves or others of our brethren for being tricked by the Great Illusionist. We will all at some point be distracted by the show. Make course corrections, forgive yourselves (and others) and move on. The important thing is to always keep the brass ring in sight. Try to keep a universal view of your life and remember the goal. Like in the Wizard of Oz, learn to see the man behind the curtain, and not be distracted by the light show. Remember what is true and what is not true. Also remember that what was true yesterday must still be true today. If it was wrong last year, chances are, it's still wrong, no matter what the "elite" say.

We must always ask ourselves what is most important? Remember also, that one of Satan's most devious tricks is to lead us to choose better instead of best. We must all learn to see beyond the trappings of mortality and understand the transient nature of our lives here in this realm. We have only a limited time on this Earth (as it is now) to prove ourselves and our mettle.

We must understand the Great Illusionist and learn to see that no matter how good his magic show is, we don't have time to watch.

Prayer of the Sinner

Prayer of the Sinner by Ann Y.

My Father, with humility I bow my head,
And on my knees, I offer my oblations.
I worship thee, and love for thee,
I show with my arms folded.

I know I’ve sinned, I’ve fallen short.
I’ve given pain and disappointment.
Please, my Lord, forgive of me,
My weaknesses and my human frailties.

With eyes cast down and heart contrite,
With knowledge of my glaring faults,
I plead for needs, I beg for wants
Uncertain of the difference.

With salted tears that bathe my cheeks,
And trembling hands clenched in fear,
A child not yet with wisdom granted,
I hope for mercy and plead for patience.

In gratitude, I end my offering;
understanding my efforts are unfinished.
I will continue, oh Lord in my heart,
To earn this day what I’ve been given.

Sanctify my works, and with thy grace,
Grant unto me thy spirit.
From thee I ask in the hallowed name
Of thy beloved son, Amen

Copyright Ann Yoxtheimer April 2011

God's Chosen People by Ann Y.

I realized that I promised to write about forgiveness, and I just plain forgot...

I've studied the scriptures, and I found it interesting and confusing (at first) that it seems as though Heavenly Father doesn't treat all of his children the same. What I mean is, the scriptures abound with stories of Heavenly Father's children who commit sin and are destroyed as a consequence. I don't think I need to give examples of such as there seems to be an example or two in every chapter. This destruction seems only correct, and we expect it. However, there are also stories (as mentioned in my first post) of those that commit atrocious acts and go on to be forgiven, even lauded. How can this be?

Yes, we are told that the Lord offers us his atonement to grant us forgiveness of sins, but to be forgiven and to be exalted are two different things entirely. Once again, I am drawn to the story of the sons of Mosiah. They not only sinned against man, they sinned against God. They persecuted the church. That's a pretty big offense. Many men in the scriptures were guilty of much less and were struck dead without a second thought, it seems. Why?

Well, I don't pretend to know the mind of God, by any means, but I do think it striking to note the actions of those men after their conversion. They went on to be crusaders of the truth, traveling into hostile lands and converting thousands of Lamanites to the gospel. The word then that comes to mind is "potential."

Heavenly Father knew the potential of these men who went on to greatness. He knew that if given the opportunity, they would achieve the impossible. Perhaps, one piece of the puzzle then, is their potential. Heavenly Father granted them forgiveness, in part, because he knew their future potential to save nations. If one person is granted more leeway than another because of his potential, that might lead one to assume that some of Heavenly Father's children are more blessed or loved than others, as they seem to have greater access to forgiveness of sins. That would be a dangerous and incorrect assumption.

"Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen." D&C 121:34. Many times in the scriptures, the Lord refers to "the chosen" people. So many misinterpret this. It seems, once more, to imply that some are more favored than others. I submit to you that that assumption is a lie perpetrated by Satan. We all have equal access to the atonement of Christ. Heavenly Father loves all of his children, and he wants them all to come back to him. The difference between a lost child and one that is saved is that child's own dedication to repentance. The men in the scriptures who began as grave sinners and then went on to greatness have, after their conversion, dedicated their lives to grasping and holding on to the atonement of Christ. They turn their backs on sin forever, and they do NOT ride the fence. These great men--men like Alma the Younger, the sons of Mosiah, Paul, and others--are "Chosen" men of God. Who are the "Chosen" then? God's "Chosen" people are not the people He chooses, but those who choose Him!

This means that the atonement of Christ, and really all of the blessings of the gospel, are available freely to all. Even the bloodiest of hands can be washed clean in the blood of the Lamb. All it takes is work. Success in repentance, as in life, is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. You can have your slice of the atonement, but by Golly, you've got to earn it!

Never let your past sins hold you back, and once you have repented of something, let it go and (unlike Lot's wife) don't look back. Heavenly Father does not place any glass ceilings on his children, so don't place any on yourself. Above all, don't ride the fence or allow yourself to stagnate in one spot. Life is like riding the down escalator: if you're not going forward, you're going back.

Let's show our beloved Father in Heaven that we are worthy of forgiveness. Let's show the world that, like the people of Anti-Nephi-Lehi, we cannot look at sin save with abhorrence. Above all, let's show the world, and our Father in Heaven, that we are His "Chosen People."

The Glory of Women by Ann Y.

Unlike most religions in the world, or even most Christian religions, ours is a religion of celebration. We celebrate the gospel; we celebrate God's plan; and (this is truly unique to us as Mormons) we celebrate the role of women.

We don't patronize each other as happens in other religions. We don't pretend to be the same as men, and we don't even aspire to the same goals. Other Christian religions make the pretense of honoring women by pretending they are men, and offering them the priesthood. I think that is a mockery of the beautiful and sacred role of women in our Heavenly Father's plan. He didn't give us the priesthood for a reason. It's not because we don't deserve it, or because we're not strong enough or spiritual enough to carry it. The Lord did not offer the priesthood to women because he had something more sacred and precious in mind for us.

Throughout the ages, people have studied the scriptures without the spirit and have come to the pitying conclusion that women are somehow inferior to men. That, my friend, is laughable. Is the perfect beauty of a singular rose inferior to a grain of wheat? Is a rainbow inferior to a cloud? One is structural and utilitarian, and one offers beauty and hope. In life, both are necessary.

I have read the scriptures, and if one looks for it, one can find many instances of God's love of his daughters. When Christ tarried on this earth, some of his most beloved disciples were women. In fact, the most singular event in history, the most important event to ever take place on this earth was the resurrection of Christ. Without which, the entire plan comes to naught. And when Christ had completed his work, and rejoined his frame, who was the first witness that he showed himself to? Was his appearance to Mary Magdalane just an accident? I don't believe so; I believe it was a reward for her extreme faithfulness.

There are two times in the scriptures that I can think of when I see the Lord send his prophets back for something. The first is in Genesis. Adam was allowed to roam the Garden for an untold aount of time searching for a mate before Eve was given to him. She was not an afterthought. Heavenly Father wanted Adam to understand that he needed Eve, and so he was allowed to live without her until he recognized a need for her. God loved her so much that he wanted Adam to cherish her, and we don't usually cherish something until we have had to do without it.

Another event that strikes a familiar cord with me is the account of Nephi and his family fleeing into the wilderness. They were commanded to flee, but they were sent back twice: once for the brass plates and once for Ishmael and his family. but were they indeed sent back for Ishmael and his family? No, they were sent back for Ishmael's daughters. The rest of the family was invited to join them too, but I think if Ishmael had had only sons, he probably would have ended up perishing in Jerusalem with the rest of the people.

Nephi and his brothers were sent back for the women, because women are absolutely vital to the plan of salvation. They are not an afterthought. God knows everything. He could have told Lehi to take the brass plates and Ishmael's family with them when they left. He didn't. He sent his people back for them so that they (and we) will take notice.


Heavenly Father loves his daughters no less than his sons, and we have access to blessings that are just as wonderful (or maybe more so) than our male counterparts.

Never underestimate the power of a woman to change the world.

New Beginnings by Ann Y.

First of all, I'd like to thank my lovely friend, Linda Shaw, for inviting me to share in her blog. I am so excited! I hope any future readers of my small contribution to this wonderful blog are patient with my failings; this is the first time I have ever blogged, and I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm not the artist that Mrs. Shaw is. She has such a beautifully put together blog, and I am so moved and inspired when I read it. I have no such artistry. All I have are words inside me that are dying to get out. So with your patience and hers, I'll do just that.

I have been reading the Book of Alma lately, and I've been struck by the character of Alma the Younger. This almost naturally leads me to think of villains and heroes.I’m fascinated by stories of heroes who begin as villains. The scriptures are full of these stories of unlikely heroes, people who go from persecuting the believers to being champions of the believers. Of course, one naturally thinks of Saul who became Paul on the road to Tarsus. One also thinks of Alma the Younger, and the four sons of Mosiah. What motivates these men to do evil, to persecute the church?

What I find intriguing are the motives of the Saul/Paul, which, in my opinion, vary greatly from the motives of Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah. Paul is in effect, the same person before he leaves for Taursus as he is when he gets there. Saul is really no different from Paul. Saul always fought like a lion for what he believed was righteousness. Before his divine visitation, he fought for his heritage, for thousands of years of tradition, against what he believed were heretical destroyers of the truth. He didn’t know that what he was doing was wrong. He believed that he was in the right. Like many of his faith, he did not understand that the Mosaic Law was always intended to be a preparatory step to ready the people for the advent of Christ. He, like many before and many after his time, believed that the Mosaic Law was a permanent fixture in Judaism, and was intended to be so. In this humble writer’s opinion, Saul’s fanatical adherence to Mosaic Law was his way of reaching for perfection. In examining Paul’s actions after his conversion, it is possible to see that he is really still the same person. Now, he fights for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but he fights with the same dogged persistence and fearlessness with which he had fought for Judaism previously. He was always a leader and defender of the truth as he saw it. There is no appreciable difference (as far as I can see), in the spirit or personality of Saul as opposed to Paul. The only difference between the two men is a knowledge of the truth.

As I examine Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah, I reach a totally different conclusion. I like the term for Alma as “Alma the Younger.” I like it because in my opinion, it is so very accurate as a description of the man. He is really, in the beginning of his story, just an angry youth. You see, the way I see it, Alma the Younger is like so many of the youth of prominent men today—both in and out of the church. These sons have lived in the shadows of their fathers. Perhaps they are used to being compared (favorably or unfavorably) with their fathers. Perhaps they have lived their lives in the spotlight and find the light too bright to bear. For this reason, and perhaps many others, they rebel.

When these young men rebel against their fathers, they often rebel against everything their fathers believe in and stand for. For the sons of prophets, this means they turn against the church. Do they do so because they hate their fathers, or because they hate themselves for not measuring up to what they believe is expected of them? Who knows? Maybe they themselves don’t know. I believe, though, that Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah are not necessarily as knowledgeable in their wickedness as they might be perceived. My impression is one of knowledge without testimony. One might have knowledge of something one read about in a book or heard from a friend. One might even, on some level, believe the knowledge one has gained this way. Knowledge gained in this way can be easily dismissed or changed by reading or hearing something else. Not so with a testimony.

How many of our youth are members of the church their whole lives, having an in-depth knowledge of all precepts taught to them, and fall away with no remorse at all once they leave home? Why, because they don’t have a testimony. A testimony is a witness from the Holy Ghost. A testimony gives you rock solid evidence in your heart that can go against everything that your senses tell you and still be believed. A testimony is not swayed by every wind of doctrine or trend in belief. And I submit to you, that before their divine visitation, Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah did not have such a testimony of the truth. This is why it was so easy for them to rebel against their fathers and against God. This is also why the difference in their behavior before, and their behavior afterwards is so profound. Unlike Paul of the New Testament, they did undergo a profound change. They became different men, such as to be almost unrecognizable after their mighty change.

In my next entry, I would like to explore the power of forgiveness, and why some men in the scriptures seem to be so readily forgiven, while others are destroyed. I believe the deciding factor sometimes is potential…

A Letter From Mother Eve

A Letter From Mother Eve 

My daughter do you know me? 

Your first mother come from Eden’s garden? 

Born of Adam’s dream

A “help meet” to reach beyond 
the realm of senses and  

explain what reasoning cannot.

I am taken not from “the dust” 

But rather from a rib. Called woman

I was created to marrow bone 

To flesh two lives into one.

While I watched in Eden’s garden,
 There came, of every creation,
 “of their kind”.

I waited for the experience 

That promised you.

My son, do you know me? 

I am caught somewhere between 
the first lie that twisted
faith into reason. 

Yet I heard in Eden an echo

of Heaven’s perfect truth.

And I knew I was meant for more

than the garden’s perfect play. 

 Eden gave all I could ever need.

But from wisdom’s choice 

and from The God’s experience

Comes all that I shall ever love.

Some will blame me for the first fear. 
For as we heard God walk within the garden,
Our conscience awakened and
We felt his feet tread upon our hearts.

 But as I stood tall before God’s love,
As I  accepted my first choice
My love for you became real. 
You became real and

   I showed, the “first faith.” 

For though from the garden we were cast

Your eternal spirit might never have known 

The joy from the "God's experience" 
 that was meant to forever last. 

My daughter do you know me? 

Do you understand that within you 

lies the promise of each new day? 

Hope, anticipation, curiosity, and childlike faith

You, my daughter, are the Eve of every promised tomorrow.   

Linda Conkey Shaw April 8 2011 Copyright